Every day I spend 15 minutes writing 15 headlines and then throw them out and start again. It’s the humor writing version of working out, and it’s far more pleasing than working out because there’s very little cardiovascular activity and sweating involved. The Onion swears pretty freely. So viewer discretion advised (that means you, grandmothers/toddlers who stumble upon this page).
Here’s a sample from a brainstorming sesh:
Man Kills Spider and Feels No Guilt
Father Takes Kid’s Last Popsicle in Freezer, Feels No Remorse
Sitcom Father’s Warning to “Not Even Think About Touching” New TV Ignored, Hilarity Ensues
Teen Boy Takes Up Knitting In Attempt to Get Laid, For Some Reason Unsuccessful
Studies Show Sadness Directly Proportional to Number of “Candy Jars” Owned
Student Visits Old Math Teacher Just For Jar of Free Jolly Ranchers On Desk
Teacher So F***** Over It, Just F***** Shows Video on Civil War
Studies Show Students Who Raise Hands Higher in Class More Likely to be Pretentious Little Sh*ts
Academy Awards Committee Guiltily Nominates Cancer Film Instead of Family Drama
The One Day Area Man Forgets to Check Accuweather.com It Rains, Goddammit
Read Aloud: Studies Show People Whose Voices Go Up at the End of Sentences are Obnoxious?
Hot Celebrity Wears Horn-Rimmed Glasses a Couple Times a Year to Appear Grounded and Intellectual
George Clooney Humbly Shakes Head at Compliment and Says He’s “No George Clooney”
Black Actor Who Looks Nothing Like Sidney Poitier Compared to Sidney Poitier, 200 Years of Progress in Civil Rights Erased
Kindergartener Sighs a Tired Sigh and Once Again Raises Hand to Volunteer as Line-Leader
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