Aries (3/21 – 4/19): The good news: you’ll make $500 dollars for participating in a perfume test for a laboratory! The bad news: the perfume didn’t pass the test, and now you have no face left.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You will get a text from your crush this weekend! You’ve been in love with the “Having trouble paying your mortgage? Text 8852” guy for months, and he’s finally texted you back with more real estate offers.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Never open the door for a stranger when you’re home alone. Those girl scouts can be real monsters. They’re going to try to rob you, and you’re going to suffer.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Your best friend will betray you this week. Hopefully Mr. Snuffles the Teddybear will apologize for his transgressions.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Sadly, you will fail your next test. But don’t worry, you can always retake the drivers’ license test, and “penalization for damages” is really overstating it: it was only one glass door and a couple of legs.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You’ll accidently set your phone’s calendar one year in the future. So thank you, idiot, for making the apocalypse happen one year early.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You’ll feel friendless and alone this week when your pen pal doesn’t write you back. You’d think Ryan Gosling would have responded to at least one of the 678 handwritten and illustrated notes you sent him!
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Nothing like curling up on a rainy day with a good book. So when the news says a tornado AND a class 5 hurricane will hit this weekend, be sure to have your “Hunger Games” ready!
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Your heart will be warmed this week when you do a good deed and give a cat a home. Cats are so cute when they foam at the mouth and go for your throat! Also, you may want to get a rabies shot. Totally unrelated.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You’ll soon discover that the noise you’ve been hearing isn’t just in your head. All true followers of the Great Celestial Emperor Xorgnax hear it, too; it’s all part of the initiation process.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You deserve to treat yourself to some rest and relaxation this weekend, so ignore any outside distractions. So don’t pay attention to the barking dogs, the distant sirens, or the neighbors knocking on your door yelling, “FIRE! FIRE! THERE’S A FIRE IN THE BUILDING!” This is your weekend.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You’ll run into an old friend on the street who is anxious to rekindle the flame and fill you in on how he’s risen to fame and fortune. Don’t let the straightjacket discourage you; those cops chasing him probably only want his autograph.
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