Onion Headlines

Every day I spend 15 minutes writing 15 headlines and then throw them out and start again. It’s the humor writing version of working out, and it’s far more pleasing than working out because there’s very little cardiovascular activity and sweating involved. The Onion swears pretty freely. So viewer discretion advised (that means you, grandmothers/toddlers who stumble upon this page).

Here’s a sample from a brainstorming sesh:

Man Kills Spider and Feels No Guilt

Father Takes Kid’s Last Popsicle in Freezer, Feels No Remorse

Sitcom Father’s Warning to “Not Even Think About Touching” New TV Ignored, Hilarity Ensues

Teen Boy Takes Up Knitting In Attempt to Get Laid, For Some Reason Unsuccessful

Studies Show Sadness Directly Proportional to Number of “Candy Jars” Owned

Student Visits Old Math Teacher Just For Jar of Free Jolly Ranchers On Desk

Teacher So F***** Over It, Just F***** Shows Video on Civil War

Studies Show Students Who Raise Hands Higher in Class More Likely to be Pretentious Little Sh*ts

Academy Awards Committee Guiltily Nominates Cancer Film Instead of Family Drama

The One Day Area Man Forgets to Check Accuweather.com It Rains, Goddammit

Read Aloud: Studies Show People Whose Voices Go Up at the End of Sentences are Obnoxious?

Hot Celebrity Wears Horn-Rimmed Glasses a Couple Times a Year to Appear Grounded and Intellectual

George Clooney Humbly Shakes Head at Compliment and Says He’s “No George Clooney”

Black Actor Who Looks Nothing Like Sidney Poitier Compared to Sidney Poitier, 200 Years of Progress in Civil Rights Erased

Kindergartener Sighs a Tired Sigh and Once Again Raises Hand to Volunteer as Line-Leader

November Horoscopes

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): The good news: you’ll make $500 dollars for participating in a perfume test for a laboratory! The bad news: the perfume didn’t pass the test, and now you have no face left.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You will get a text from your crush this weekend! You’ve been in love with the “Having trouble paying your mortgage? Text 8852” guy for months, and he’s finally texted you back with more real estate offers.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Never open the door for a stranger when you’re home alone. Those girl scouts can be real monsters. They’re going to try to rob you, and you’re going to suffer.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Your best friend will betray you this week. Hopefully Mr. Snuffles the Teddybear will apologize for his transgressions.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Sadly, you will fail your next test. But don’t worry, you can always retake the drivers’ license test, and “penalization for damages” is really overstating it: it was only one glass door and a couple of legs.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You’ll accidently set your phone’s calendar one year in the future. So thank you, idiot, for making the apocalypse happen one year early.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You’ll feel friendless and alone this week when your pen pal doesn’t write you back. You’d think Ryan Gosling would have responded to at least one of the 678 handwritten and illustrated notes you sent him!

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Nothing like curling up on a rainy day with a good book. So when the news says a tornado AND a class 5 hurricane will hit this weekend, be sure to have your “Hunger Games” ready!

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Your heart will be warmed this week when you do a good deed and give a cat a home. Cats are so cute when they foam at the mouth and go for your throat! Also, you may want to get a rabies shot. Totally unrelated.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You’ll soon discover that the noise you’ve been hearing isn’t just in your head. All true followers of the Great Celestial Emperor Xorgnax hear it, too; it’s all part of the initiation process.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You deserve to treat yourself to some rest and relaxation this weekend, so ignore any outside distractions. So don’t pay attention to the barking dogs, the distant sirens, or the neighbors knocking on your door yelling, “FIRE! FIRE! THERE’S A FIRE IN THE BUILDING!” This is your weekend.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You’ll run into an old friend on the street who is anxious to rekindle the flame and fill you in on how he’s risen to fame and fortune. Don’t let the straightjacket discourage you; those cops chasing him probably only want his autograph.

Comic: GPA

I draw like a 5 year-old. So what better way to express my creativity than through drawing comics? Here’s a dumb one:

STAND-UP

Here’s my set. Second City, Chicago, 2011.

In Which Christian Bale Employs Method Acting While Ordering A Sandwich At Subway

Employee: Hello, sir, what would you like?
Bale: [in deep, husky Batman tones] Turkey and provolone, and make it fast.
Employee: Sorry, I didn’t catch that, can you speak normally?
Bale: I said Turkey and provolone. Please.
Employee: Okay, and on what kind of bread?
Bale: The…darkest you have.
Employee: What kind?
Bale: The daaaarkest—
Employee: Seriously, dude.
Bale: Pumpernickel.
Employee: Okay, turkey and provolone on pumpernickel?
Bale: Yes, make it snappy.
Employee: *snickers*
Bale: What, what is it? Did I say something amusing?
Employee: It’s just your voice, it’s—nevermind.
Bale: And several pickles.
Employee: Will that be all?
Bale: Yes. I’m in a rush; there are villains to be thwarted.
Employee: Is that so?
Bale: Gotham City must be made safe for—
Employee: $5.49.
Bale: NO! Stop!
Employee: What’s wrong?
Bale: Cookie, I want a cookie.
Employee: M&M or macadamia nut?
Bale: Surprise me. I’m a risk taker.
Employee: $6.14.
Bale: Have a nice day.
Employee: Don’t leave, you have to pay me!
Bale: Batman never carries cash.
Employee: I’m calling the cops.

Uncle Jethro

Legit advertisement.

Lorem Ipsum

Apple users will probably get this joke.

I THINK THE GUY WHO MAKES FILLER TEXTS  IS DEPRESSED AND BORED

Casting Call

I wonder if real casting calls for such commercials are as blatantly mean.

CASTING CALL

The AbFlex exercise equipment company is seeking a female model for a commercial that will be aired on the Home Shopping Network and Lifetime this spring.

Auditions will be for the “before” model in a “before and after” demonstration.

Applicants can be of any age but must be thoroughly grotesque in appearance; at least three fat folds or two particularly big fat folds are necessary. We’re looking for women from 400 lbs to “so-large-it’s-like-a-cartoon” lbs.

PLEASE NOTE: Pregnant applicants will be turned away, for these women are not bona fide fatties. The type of woman we need would never be pregnant because of their relationship status, which is, to their regret, forever “single”.

Auditions will be held at AbFlex headquarters in Madison, WI at 9 a.m. on March 16. There will be a brief meet-and-greet at 9:15 during which “before” models will be matched with potential “after” models.

Tissues will be provided for “before” applicants who may get emotional and jealous upon seeing how much prettier the “after” models are.

After the auditions, a ride home will be provided for any “before” model who needs it (“after” models have boyfriends or husbands who can drive them).

DRESS CODE: an inappropriately and disgustingly tight sports bra/nylon workout shorts.

Please bring a headshot of your body from your knees up to your sagging breasts. We don’t want to see your face.

Thanks to all gutsy enough to audition (and we hope your guts are very, very large),

Mark S. Pecker

AbFlex Creative Director

December Horoscopes

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): It’s important to have a warm heart, but when you experience an excruciatingly painful burning sensation in your chest this week, don’t pass it off as “holiday spirit”.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You’ll experience some fame this week when you’re briefly mistaken for Taylor Swift at a karaoke club. But as soon as you start singing everything will go downhill—make sure you wear disposable clothing, something that can withstand thrown tomatoes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Trust your instincts. That scarf was indeed a mistake.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): For Girls: Sometimes it’s hard to admit that you have a problem, but you need to start listening to your friends/parents: that emerging moustache has got to go.

For Guys: Nice ‘stache!

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Give back to the community by volunteering with the elderly this month! Look for aged folk to adopt at thrift stores, antique lamp shops, and early morning breakfast at McDonald’s/jogs around the mall.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Thomas Jefferson once said, “Never look down on any man. Just women, you can totally look down on women.”

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Unfortunately the bullying will reach a shocking level this week. Maybe you should stop being so mean to those kids.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Your prayers will finally pay off this week when an angel visits you in your sleep to deliver a holy message: “Oops, sorry, wrong guy.”

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Profound enlightenment awaits at the door of opportunity as it releases you into the abyss of success. (NOTE: This makes little sense, but the words are big and important and you should be inspired.)

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Your recurring “falling” dreams will take an interesting turn this week when your fall is finally broken by a giant trampoline, which will start the whole thing over again as you’re flung back into the air, this time falling upward for all eternity.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Your birthday’s coming up! Just keep in mind, when you send out invitations to your party, don’t instruct people to wear their “birthday suits”. Remember last year? No, you probably blocked it out.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): There’s good news and bad news. The good news is you’ll lose a lot of weight this week. The bad news is you’ll gain it all back as soon as you step away from the funhouse mirror.

 

November Horoscopes

Take a look at your fate!**

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): When you start doubting yourself, just think about how much you’ve grown as a person since last year. Seriously, if you can gain 400 pounds in 12 months, you can do anything.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You’re discovering new things about yourself each day, but if you keep sprouting new arms and legs you should consult a doctor and move farther away from that nuclear power plant.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): “Don’t worry, be happy”…is the stupidest advice ever. If I got that grade on a lab report, I would certainly stop happy-ing and start worrying.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Don’t feel bad about having the worst astrological sign name. Sure, it doesn’t sound as cool as Scorpio. But guess who’s gonna find a ten-dollar bill on the sidewalk today? Well, the Capricorns are. But, uh…you have loyal friends and a bright future…or something.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ll get to start next week with a clean slate! Too bad it’s because your identity will be stolen.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Everyone loves a good laugh, but unfortunately you’re stuck with that god-awful cackle for the rest of your life.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): A wise man once said, “I don’t know. Leave me alone and ask somebody else.”

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Your friends are the light of your life. Too bad the rest of the world doesn’t feel the same way about your precious Beanie Babies.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You’ll turn heads when you walk down the hallway today, and you’ll have to explain to a lot of people that no, this is not your Halloween costume, it’s just how your face always looks.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You’ll find your inner activist this week when you boycott McDonald’s. How dare they not let you inside the play area!

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Next week you’ll learn to be more sensitive when a “Yo Momma” joke battle ends in tears. Turns out your friend’s mother is actually fat enough to have her own gravitational pull.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You can bet that you’ll have a wonderful and successful month. But you shouldn’t, because you’d lose that bet.

**Accuracy questionable. Except for Pisces. God, this month is gonna be terrible for you.