Area Man Spent Three Weeks in Manhattan, Is Now Too Much of a Snob to Eat His Hometown’s Bagels

INDIANAPOLIS, IN –- Indianapolis native Jerry McHugh, 23, spent three weeks in New York City this summer and is now such a snobby little shit that he refuses to eat a bagel from a local coffee shop.

“Dude, you just don’t get it. After you have a bagel in New York City, man, you can’t just have any old bagel, you know?” said McHugh as he sneered in disgust at the “skewed onion-sesame ratio” on the perfectly acceptable bagel. Since his return, McHugh has been telling anyone who will listen that he still has his old MetroCard in his wallet, and he has begun referring to New York as “the City.”

“It’s like, I’m homesick. Like, I’m back home, but I’m not really home. I miss the City, you know?” He then proceeded to give detailed directions from his friend’s apartment in Williamsburg to “this little hole-in-the-wall bagel store in Greenpoint, ugh, so delish.”

McHugh, pushing the uneaten and totally fucking adequate bagel away from him, sighed and got out his iPhone so he could “put the final nail in the coffin” and change his Facebook’s “Current City” from Brooklyn back to Indianapolis.

McHugh’s blog, cityboy1992.blogspot.com, is still up and running for people interested in reading shitty and grammatically flawed posts about his boring white-boy adventures in gentrified Brooklyn.

McHugh now wears this stupid hat all the time, even though it’s like 92 degrees outside

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Promo: Every New Sitcom

If I wrote for Entertainment Weekly, I’d write something like this about twice a year. Obviously in response to the popularity of “New Girl,” which I happen to like very much.

NEW CBS SITCOM: “THE UNDERDOG”

CBS announced this week that they’re adding a zany new comedy to the Wednesday night line-up.

“The Underdog” stars an actress who is insanely hot, like A-list-actor-model hot–but don’t let that fool you, she’s such a goofball! In the first episode she’s wearing a $400 bright green dress and layers of glowing makeup and has almost no body fat, but WHOOPS! She fell down some stairs and her hair looks a little messy now! She’s just your normal, everyday, relatable gal, just trying to mend her her broken heart (look, she’s sobbing alone at a restaurant, which is sad but also really funny!) Don’t worry, sometime in the first season she’ll finally find a man to take care or her and who also enjoys eating copious amounts of fluff baked goods with pink frosting.

Oh, and it’s set in L.A. and she owns a cupcake shop and has a small dog and also one black friend.

Wednesdays at 7:00 p.m. EST, CBS.

STAND-UP

Here’s my set. Second City, Chicago, 2011.

Uncle Jethro

Legit advertisement.

Hyundai Commercial

My Hyundai commercial parody.

Seriously—how do you pronounce it??